The Toby Kennedy Band - "Harmonne" Cover Art Creation, by Hannah Adamaszek

www.thetobykennedy.co.uk - www.twitter.com/thetobykennedy

www.hannahchloe.com - www.twitter.com/hannahadamaszek

Get over yourself.

I feel low.

I've felt low for a long time now, but just recently I've felt lower that usual.

About a month ago, I went to the doctor - I have no drive, I barely sleep, I take no pleasure in anything, I drink too much, I can't make simple decisions, I vier from one extreme emotion to another, if something knocks me back it's not just a simple annoyance it's the end of everything.

I'm depressed.

I don't believe in depression, or stress for that matter - I think they've become excuses to get a day off work, a justification for being lazy, and I would hate anyone to think that's what I'm doing. But I feel low, and I don't know what to do.

My family are very much of a 'stick your head in the sand and it'll go away' mentality - we don't go to the doctor because "I'll be alright…", and in fact I went to the doctor about 12 years ago with similar symptoms, and he basically told me to get over myself. Going again was not to be thought of.

But I went. The doctor has put me on Citalopram - a fairly standard anti-depressant used to treat 'Major depression'. Apparently it will take 6-8 weeks to build-up effective levels, which I'm very much looking forward to. I was told it would take some getting used to - the first week I felt nauseous, really nauseous. The second I didn't really feel any different. The third and fourth weeks have been interesting. Not only do I not feel any happier, but my lows are the lowest I've ever felt. The one symptom I don't have is thoughts of suicide. I'm not going to do anything stupid, I don't want to die, I want to be me again - but, I'm not going to lie, the way I've felt recently it became an, albeit fleeting, option.

And now I feel nothing. Nothing. I'm not happy, not sad, not pissed off, not elated, joyous, horny, interested, cheeky - whatever adjective you can think of. I feel nothing. I am empty. Empty. Devoid of emotion. Alone and empty.

Recently I've, naturally, been trying to get my head around everything and I think I've come to a conclusion.

I've been brought-up to believe that one should 'Treat other people as you would wish to be treated.' This has translated in my head over the years as 'Everyone else comes first.' It should be a wonderful mentality to have.

I've always been everyone's shoulder to cry on - I'm very good at being level-headed, placating when people need placating, or giving reasonable advice, or opinion, when asked for it. But now that I need someone to talk to, I can't bring myself to open up. I don't have many friends - being a professional musician and photographer it's difficult to keep 'normal' hours, but the last thing I would want to do is bore any of my few friends senseless with my bullshit. And it is bullshit - what the fuck have I got to be depressed about? I work, I earn (some) money, I'm healthy(ish)… ..and yet I feel… …I feel, low. I feel sad. Empty.

And therein lies the problem.

I don't feature on my list of things to give a shit about, because everyone else comes first - and yet I'm pissed-off because I'm not on anyone else's list either. How selfish is that? I hate myself for even saying it. It's egotistical. It's outrageously arrogant. But why does no-one give a shit about me? Maybe because of that. Maybe because I'm selfish, egotistical, arrogant.

So what's the point of this post?

I am sure there will be many (of the 10 readers I have) who will doubtless think it's a poorly veiled plea for sympathy, but it's not. Perhaps I just want to get it off my chest. Perhaps in not being able to say this to my friends, this is my way of talking to someone. Maybe someone in a similar situation will read it and not feel so alone.

Maybe I should just get over myself.

Filming with Hannah Adamaszek

On tuesday we commenced filming the first artist creating artwork for the forthcoming #thetobykennedyband album. The wonderful Hannah Adamaszek (www.hannahchloe.com) very kindly opened her home to us, and let us film her at work - and what a brilliant day it was too! Great to meet and work with new people, stunning artwork and plenty of good coffee - a hit in anyone's book!

Hannah had already prepped a stencil for the canvas I was bringing, having listened to the track 'Harmonne', and then kept working the image, adding layers, textures and colours. I was fascinated to hear someone else's thoughts on the music, especially what 'visual' inspiration Hannah had pulled from it, and also to hear about life as an artist - it was nice to draw parallels between the creative worlds and definitely made me feel better to know I'm not alone in the amount of 'admin' I find myself doing!

I cannot even begin to describe how pleased I am with the finished product, and am excited to share the picture and the creation process with you all - but not yet! It's on it's way, but we're waiting until everything's in place before we launch!

In the meantime, enjoy this teaser video and the track Harmonne - I'd be interested to hear what images it conjures up for you!


thetobykennedy on Vimeo.

Toby. x

www.thetobykennedy.co.uk
www.twitter.com/thetobykennedy
http://www.facebook.com/thetobykennedyesq

The Toby Kennedy Band ft. Debbie Smyth...

Over the last few weeks a few more pieces of the 'Toby Kennedy Band' puzzle have been slotted into place - some serious jazz trumpet being laid down by Hugh Pascall (www.hughpascall.com), and yesterday the first session with the ludicrously talented Ellie Smith (http://www.myspace.com/elliejazzbone) taking care of trombone duties. With every part that gets recorded, the more the anticipation builds - I am so proud of this body of work, and I am desperately excited to share it with the world.

And, as if that weren't enough, my album art collaboration is also constantly developing. Already confirmed are Emma Kate Matthews (http://www.ekmworks.com/), Hannah Adamaszek (http://www.hannahchloe.com), and now...

Debbie Smyth (http://debbie-smyth.com/)!! Debbie's work has totally blown me away. Creating what initially look like seriously impressive pencil drawings, Debbie's incredible art is actually done with pins and thread! Mind. Officially. Blown.
Utterly stunning, beautifully crafted, wonderfully styled, and insanely clever it feels like the illegitimate love child of Banksy and his secret needlework teacher.

Another wonderful collaboration, with another wonderful artist - this year is the BEST!

Please go check out the rest of Debbie's beautiful artwork (http://debbie-smyth.com/) and then go follow her on Twitter (https://twitter.com/SmythDebbie) - and if you happen to be knocking about on Twitter, then do come say "Hi" to me! (https://twitter.com/thetobykennedy)

Looking forward to bringing you more updates! And if you'd like to collaborate on the upcoming Toby Kennedy Band project, please don't hesitate to get in touch!

Love & kisses,

Toby. xx

The Toby Kennedy Band ft. Hannah Adamaszek...

The upcoming EP launch is really starting to gain momentum now, with more and more people showing an interest in collaborating.

Today, I'm totally wild with excitement to announce new sign-up Hannah Adamaszek (www.hannahchloe.com).

I recently stumbled across Hannah's beautiful work, as is so often the case these days, on Pinterest and instantly fell in love. The colours, the style - like a cross between graffiti and watercolours, and totally stunning.

To see more of Hannah's wonderful work, please check her website - http://www.hannahchloe.com/ or you can buy her pieces here - http://www.hannahchloe.bigcartel.com/

I'm excited to watch Hannah work on the upcoming project, and even more excited to film it to give you all a little look into her creative process.

In the meantime, come say "Hi" to either of us on twitter:

www.twitter.com/thetobykennedy

www.twitter.com/hannahadamaszek

...and don't forget, if you're an artist and would like to get involved, please do get in touch!

Toby. xx